ik heb hier nog wat, een paar dezelfde maar er zitten er ook een aantal andere in
en het is misschien een beetje veel
maar je hoeft het niet helemaal te lezen xD
funny air traffic controllers quotes
real (allegedly) funny air traffic controllers and pilots conversations
These funny conversations 'allegedly' took place between air traffic controllers, pilots and air crew around the world. They are included here firstly and simply because many are very funny; secondly because the collection provides examples of not so great communications and relationships between 'customers and suppliers', in the context of achieving quality of customer service and service delivery. There is always room for well placed humour and/or firmness in organizational communications, but when misplaced, effective inter-group working can be undermined, especially when a little misogyny, xenophobia or arrogance is thrown into the mix. These communications examples provide a wealth of material also for for students of transactional analysis and effective rapport-building. If you know the original source of any of the unattributed amusing air traffic control discussions and pilot conversations, or you have others to contribute, please contact us. The authenticity of these alleged conversations cannot be guaranteed.
You might also enjoy the legendary funny letters to the council quotes.
aviation quotes - recent additions
I am grateful for these ATC and aviation quotes and stories sent to me by various people, including some after this page appeared in the digg, AOL and stumbleupon communities. Thank you. Please keep them coming.
From E Haigh, Mar 2008 - I thought I'd let you know about a time when I was up in the air doing aeros (aerobatics) and turning back into circuit as one of my other friends was coming into land...
On contact with the runway the friend's plane veered off to the left and crashed, narrowly avoiding a large very deep pond, just to the left of the runway on the taxi hold point. The pilot still managed to report: "Runway vacated..."
The airfield had a fit of the giggles, and happily although the plane was a very mangled write-off, no serious injury was sustained.
From DG, Feb 2008 - At the initial pilot training bases for the military, the landing pattern tends to get packed (sometimes up to 12-15 airplanes for one runway) and some of those planes are being flown by students solo (yes, a $4m piece of tax-payer money being hurled around a strip of concrete at speeds of 200 knots by a 23-year-old kid fresh out of college with less than 30 hours of flying experience). Anyway, I was sitting a watch in the controlling tower for the runway on a particularly busy day, when one of my buddies from my class, who was flying solo at the time, pipped in with a PIREP (pilot report) for the pattern:
Solo: "This is Solo 72, there is some turbulence at point initial."
Controller: "Thanks for the warning."
Some instructor also flying in the pattern: "It's called wake turbulence."
(The term 'point initial' refers to about 3 miles away from the runway, used for preparing landing alignment. The term 'wake turbulence' refers to air turbulence caused by other aircraft.)
From 'an aircraft mechanic', Jan 2008 - My instructer for My A&P (Airframe and Powerplant) training told a funny story from the 1980s... He had landed in Egypt to refuel the Gulfstream he was flying. On take-off he noticed a guard standing in what looked like a refrigator box. With the the guard behind him my instructer goosed the throtles - which sent the guard head over heels for about 20 yards...
From Rich, November 2007 (non-atc folk might want to read the technical explanation first) - This allegedly did happen although I wasn't on duty during the shift, so I can't verify it. An F-4 with a Colonel at the stick was entering the tower pattern at Osan AB, Korea, and wanted priority landing because of his rank and position. The tower controller was extremely busy recovering mission F-4s and OV-10s, not to mention the aircraft who were on final approach with approach control. The controller sequenced the F-4 and gave him a point at which to report. The pilot refused stating that, "It was his airport and he wanted to land," (it wasn't his airport as he would later learn from a 3-star and a 1-star). The control said "(acft call sign), since you can't follow ATC instructions, hold 5 miles north of the airport. Maintain radio silence unless an emergency condition exists. Report approaching minimum fuel." The reply from the aircraft was, "Roger Tower, we're number 5 and will report a departure end break." The controller didn't escape the situation unscathed. He had to take a pretty severe chewing out, but there were no more problems like that. Especially when busy.
And another from Rich - This is one actually happened on my watch. Brand new trainee in the facility at a base in North Dakota. He is scanning the runway with binoculars and tells the local controller that he has a 'dog' on the runway. The local controller tells a B-52 on final, "Go around. Dog on runway." I told the trainee that he might want to let me know what the breed of the dog was, since I had never seen a dog with antlers. The 'dog' was a 2000 lb, bull moose. This guy still takes flak over that one, even though he deserved a save for catching it before the rest of us did.
From Bob Andersen, November 2007 - In November 1996 I was in a Angel Flight Piper Cub going to Tampa International Airport. I was in there because I got a call from Tampa General Hospital that a heart would be ready for me. Angel Flight planes are volunteered free of charge to transplant recipients. The pilot called the tower and told them who we were. The ATC said we could not land because President Clinton was there and the secret service would not let us land. (This was just after his California fiasco with his 400 dollar haircut.) The pilot told the ATC that he would call the press and TV stations and let them know a heart recipient could not land because POTUS (President Of The United States) was there. I think they thought about the bad publicity and said that they would hold him up and let us land, and they would escort us to the hospital. However we felt that this was not a good idea because of the land traffic wanting to get a glimpse of Clinton, and we so we should use the General Airport instead. We did so, and I got to the airport and the hospital on time. As it turned out, the heart was not good, but I waited another few weeks and finally got a heart on Jan 7th. It was a great heart as you can see I am still alive almost 11 years after the operation. (My thanks to Bob Andersen - illustrating that persistence, determination, and adaptability can overcome the most daunting obstacles.)
From Dennis Rainwater, October 2007 - I have a (well, almost) personal ATC/Pilot conversation I thought I'd share with you. I was a weather guy in the USAF during the late 80s-early 90s, and while I was stationed at RAF Woodbridge in England I often hung out with a controller in the tower cab just above our office. This fellow shared a story with me that he claimed happened to him personally. I can't vouch 100% for the authenticity of this tale, but the guy was generally believable... Also, a detail or two might be blurred by my own faulty memory over the past 15-20 years, but here it goes: My friend says he was training an ATC rookie - I think he said it was out at Nellis AFB. Anyway, one day this kid takes a call from an aircraft requesting clearance to FL 800 (80,000 feet)...
Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): "Okay, hotshot -- if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!"
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800...."
From Luke Wray, August 2007 - From NAS Fallon NV, last week: A recently qualified Clearance Delivery operator was working a moderately busy period when a Navy DC-9 called, requesting clearance back to NAS Jacksonville, FL. The controller responded back to the pilot that the flight plan was not in the system. The controller hammered away at the FDIO with no success. The next transmission to the DC-9 was: "VVJV…, clearance, Mam your flight plan is not in the system, would you like to go back to Jax VFR? The pilot responded (while laughing) "No thanks, we'll file a flight plan.."
From Dr Hugh David, June 2007 - Some years ago I was checking the record of simulated air-ground communication in a Real-Time simulation at the Eurocontrol Experimental Centre. Towards the end of one simulation I came across the following:
French Simulator 'Pilot': "AF302 over NTM now."
German Controller "AF302 Roger. Report names of stewardesses."
FSP: "Claudette Colbert and Caroline Chose."
GC: "Colbert I know, but who is Chose?"
FSP: "You must know her, she was Alan Delon's third wife, between Truc and Nimporte!"
GC: "Ach, these French actors, they marry and unmarry, I cannot keep track!"
FSP: "Well, at least, the French actors, they marry VIMMEN!"
... (long pause) ...
GC: "AF302 continue descent as planned."
A story from a friend in BA. He was overflying Aden, and saw an Aeroflot freighter climbing out.
Heavily accented voice on frequency: "Hey, English, you used to have Aden?"
BA: "Yes, we did. Why?"
HAV: "Ve have had to overnight there, and you can have it back!"
Light aircraft pilot asked Heathrow for the current cloudbase over Bristol. London relayed the question to an Air France flight near Bristol and got the reply:
"Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom."
Anonymous voice on frequency: "Vive le sport!"
Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"
Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"
"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"
"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."
And (another) hoary old chestnut: QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live:
"What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela"
Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.
Chorus of passengers "Hey, you forgot the beer!"
(Ack Dr Hugh David for the above)
From Brad White, June 2007 - One to share, from an uncle who was in the USAF until retiring several years ago. No other attribution unfortunately but here it is. A near miss occurred outside of Dulles International. The conversation went along these lines...
Pilot: "DAMN! That was close..."
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, what seems to be the problem?"
Pilot (catching his breath), "Near miss- was he ever close!"
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, how close was it?"
Pilot: "Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a white boy flying it."
From Mitch Reilly, May 2007 - I was listening to the radio, doing a preflight at MSP and heard the following exchange... My co-pilot did not hear it and gave me a strange look when I was doubled-over laughing. 'Northwest 605' was a DC-9. 'Flagship (Pinnacle) 5600' was a CRJ. The exchange went like this...
Northwest 605: "Northwest 605 request taxi to the active MSP."
Ground: "Northwest 605 taxi to runway **, follow the CRJ, you will be number two."
Northwest 605: "Roger, we will follow the Smurf-Jet."
Flagship 5600: "At least my airplane does not qualify for an AARP membership.."
(For those who don't know, AARP is the American Association of Retired Persons, and CRJ stands for Canadair Regional Jet.)
From Andrew Walker, May 2007 - A friend of the family used to fly for US Air, and told us this tale of how one day his plane was one of many trying to land at a busy airport. One of the controllers came on and reported something happened to cause a further delay and that those planes in a holding pattern would need to stay there. Almost immediately, one of the pilots responded with, "=censored=!" The controller then said something to the effect of, "Sir, the use of profane language is prohibited on this channel by FAA and FCC regulations. Please identify yourself." After a moment, one of the pilots reported, "This is flight 123 and we are negative on the =censored=." A moment after that, another flight reported in, "This is flight 456 and we are also negative on the =censored=." One by one, each and every one of the flights reported in as being "negative on the =censored=."
This from Tom Comeau, April 2007 - My brother is an air traffic controller, and has two favorite conversations he recounts. One of them I'm sure is a true story, because I was there when it happened; the other is completely consistent with his personality. The first was as a small General Aviation airport in the midwest. A student doing touch-and-go's reported flying past some geese on his downwind leg. The controller responded with "Skipper 3846 Sierra cleared for the option break break attention all aircraft caution watertory migrafowl reported north of the airfield." After a pause somebody responded "You mean, like, birds?" The controller, without hestitation, replied, "Yes sir!"
The second was at a commercial airport in Texas. The controller was trying to deliver a clearance that was mostly "cleared as filed" but with one change at the departure and arrival airport. After two incorrect readbacks, the frustrated controller blurted out "Okay, that's enough tries for you. Let me talk to Beavis." (Ack T Comeau)
A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5's nose cargo doors opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you." (Ack E Scharzmann)
A story from the late 1950's Navy flight training at Corpus Christi, Texas. Instructors were known to party hard at night, even before a 'hop' the next morning. A common 'cure' was to put on the mask and breathe the pure oxygen while the trainee got the craft airborne. The SNJ training aircraft had a tandum cockpit with intercom for personal communication between the instructor and the trainee. These 'private' communications would be broadcast on air if the intercom switch were accidentally left open. One such morning following a heavy night for one particular instructor, not long after the flight was aloft, the following was heard over the air: "Boy, am I ever f...ed up this morning." After a lengthy pause a young lady air traffic controller demanded: "Aircraft making that last transmission, please identify yourself." There was an even lengthier pause, and then a voice said: "Lady, I'm not that f...ed up." (Ack Mike)
In 1958, I was bouncing down the runway trying to land in a big cross-wind when the instructor said "I trust we will be landing soon, because my medical permit expires next Tuesday." The same year, I was flying a Navy SNB (C-45) and the instructor began laughing as he read the squawk sheet from the previous flight. It said: "Order heater for co-pilot's seat." (Ack E Pisor)
The Stapleton runways were so close together that aircraft on parallel runways had to see each other and provide visual separation before Control could issue an approach clearance. Commonly when pilots were asked if had they had traffic in sight they would lazily respond with, "I see some lights," which, frustratingly, did not meet requirements for approach clearance. One very busy night a particular crew would not report the traffic in sight. Finally the pilot said, "I see some lights over there." The controller responded in a vexed tone, "Is there an aircraft attached to those lights?" Laughing, the pilot responded, "Why I do believe there is. Thanks we have the aircraft in sight." For that crew at least, the point was made. (Ack P Davied)
United cargo jet (with female pilot): "This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy?
Oakland ARTCC controller: "I don't know. I've never seen it." (Earned him two weeks on the beach) (Ack 'a former ATC')
After being informed by a pilot cleared to land in Fayetteville that he now had two light aircraft cleared to land on opposite ends of the same runway, the controller paused and transmitted "Y'all be careful now." (Ack 'a former ATC' - he says this is true, he heard the tape.)
One very stormy morning in BOS, many planes were lined up on taxiways waiting for departure. A female pilot made a successful landing on a crossing runway after visibly wrestling her Flying Tiger stretched DC-8 through turbulence and blustery snow squalls, fighting it right down to the runway. An anonymous voice: "But can you park it?" (Ack 'a former ATC')
A newly promoted Military Liaison Officer was standing the morning watch at Oakland ARTCC. His former controller team mates sent an assistant to the front desk, requesting permission from the new MLO to start the 'wind tunnels' at Moffett NAS (there weren't any of course). Not wanting to appear ignorant, the MLO granted the request. After notifying the front desk a short time later that there were reports of severe to extreme turbulence in the vicinity of San Carlos, Palo Alto and San Jose airports, the controllers watched in glee as the rookie supervisor grabbed the 'hot phone' and bellowed to the watch supervisor at Moffett (and through the loudspeakers at every other ATC facility in Oakland's area), "This is the Oakland Center Supervisor and I'm ordering you to immediately shut off that f...ing fan!" (Ack 'a former ATC')
A young, newly checked out local controller at Logan Airport granted the request of a Trans Portuguese "707" to use non-active 15R (the longest runway) for departure and cleared the plane to "taxi into position and hold". Seeing what he thought was a short pause coming in crossing operations, he told the crew to "Be ready and spool 'em up!" The old "oil burner" sat on the runway with fire walled engines belching clouds of black smoke over nearby neighborhoods for many minutes. Only when the ground controller announced that airport fire apparatus was responding to a major fire in East Boston did anyone in the tower realize that the rookie (now stirring his newly poured coffee) had forgotten the plane and everything from Orient Heights to the Mystic River Bridge had disappeared in his exhaust. (Ack 'a former ATC')
A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin
(Technical explanation background for Rich's story: When fighters enter the VFR (Visual Flight Rules) Traffic pattern they come in at a higher altitude and aren't flying the traditional rectangular traffic pattern. There two reporting points: Initial - which is generally a position entering the traffic pattern and lined up with the runway - and Break - which is the point over the approach end of the runway at which the pilot begins a descending 360-degree turn back to the final approach course. If a controller needs to space the aircraft out to maintain separation, he/she can specify a position at which the pilot should break. IE: Break midfield (the middle of the runway) or Break Departure End (the departure end of the runway ). The approach end of the runway is the end that is most nearly aligned to the wind direction and indicates the direction of arrival and departure. The departure end is the opposite end of that runway. If you ever have any questions about ATC procedure or traffic pattern things, you can google FAAH 7110.65 and look in the pilot-controller glossary or download the entire manual in PDF. Acknowledgements to Rich.)
aircraft maintenance engineers 'gripe sheets' or 'squawk reports' comments
These aircraft maintenance comments are allegedly from 'gripe sheets' or 'squawk reports' which contain pilots' reports of aircraft technical problems and the responses from maintenance engineers. Various origins are suggested for these funny quotes, most popularly Qantas and the US Air Force, and more specifically Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University (thanks J Williams). The earliest reference I have seen for at least some of these quotes is the seemingly now defunct spoof 'Fudpucker World Airlines', dating back to June 1996 (thanks Scott). When and if I have more detail I will post it here. If you were a 'fudpacker passenger' and can help clarify the history, please let me know. That said, it is unlikely that all these comments are from a single original source, especially given the mixture of technology featured, and given that some are probably military and others not. This is not an attempt to present a factually reliable or accurate listing of these alleged quotes, if one ever existed at all - it's just a list of the funniest examples. If you know the true origins of any of these - or if you were an original 'Fudpacker passenger' - please let me know.
These amusing communications illustrate the implications of using vague language, as well as the age-old potential for conflict and confusion between operational departments and functions, and the long-suffering tolerance of service and maintenance staff in support of operational personnel found in all industries.
Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew. Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer
Something loose in cockpit.>>>>> Something tightened in cockpit.
Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.>>>>Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.
Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs. >>>>>>>Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.>>>>> Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.
Mouse in cockpit.>>>>>Cat installed.
Target radar hums.>>>>>Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]>>>>Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.
Pilot's clock inoperative.>>>>>Wound clock.
Aircraft handles funny. >>>>>Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.>>Pilot removed from aircraft.
Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. >>>>Took hammer away from midget.
Suspected crack in windshield.>>>>>>>Suspect you are right.
IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.] >>>>>IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.
Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough. >>>>>Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.
No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]>>>>Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. >>>>>>Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Dead bugs on windshield.>>>>>> Live bugs on back order.
Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.>>>> Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.>>> Evidence removed.
Three roaches in cabin.>>>>One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]>>>>DME volume set to more believable level.
No2 propeller seeping prop fluid. >>>>>No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. >>That's what they are for.
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