Characteristics of USS Chuck Norris:
Any vessel within sight of the USS CHUCK NORRIS, is, by definition, the “give way” vessel and must manuever to avoid.
The only food served aboard is canned “whoop ass”.
Everything is in range of USS CHUCK NORRIS.
When on the gun range, its first shot will destroy the target, the towing sled, the tug, the recovery boat, the range safety boat and everything else within five miles.
It would run on the sweat of the real CHUCK NORRIS. One drop would last it 25 years. To refuel, NASA would send Chuck to the Sun in a rocket so he’d get hot enough to sweat another drop.
The Navy would need only one, and it would command itself. Every other ship in the world would be renedered instantly obsolete.
Rust would not dare form on its surface. It never needs a washdown or sweepers, because salt water and dirt are afraid of CHUCK NORRIS.
Its ASW Suite is an underwater transmitter that keeps repeating the word “SINK”. All submarines within 100nm instantly comply.
Since the universe bends around CHUCK, the ship is everywhere at once, thus maintaining continuous global presence.
Hurricanes maneuver to remain in CHUCK’s least dangerous semi-circle.
If you are tracking USS CHUCK NORRIS, then USS CHUCK NORRIS is tracking you. If you have no track on USS CHUCK NORRIS, you may be only seconds from destruction.
It’s messaging address is “COMKICKASS”.
The CHUCK NORRIS does not compete for unit awards. Unit awards compete to be on CHUCK NORRIS.
The only signal flags ever flown from the yardarm of CHUCK NORRIS is the international signal for “DANGER”. The ensign is always visible from every position on the globe.
Once, another ship collided with the CHUCK NORRIS. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. The second worst mistake ever made was to be underway in the same ocean as the CHUCK NORRIS.
“CO” stands for Chuck-O on the CHUCK NORRIS, because nobody commands Chuck Norris. “XO” stands for the guy who didnt believe in the power of Chuck Norris and got roundhouse kicked so hard his name fell off.
No one aboard USS CHUCK NORRIS gets sea sick. The sea gets CHUCK-sick.
USS CHUCK NORRIS does not need to send operational reports; the CNO needs to send reports to USS CHUCK NORRIS.
The ship’s crest can’t be described. When visible on the stacks, it blinds every onlooker and seeker head.
The ship can station itself within sight of any trouble spot in the world by commanding the earth to split and an ocean to form.